Maternal Mental Health Week

“I understood that every flower created by Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would no longer be enameled with lovely hues. And so it is in the world of souls, Our Lord's living garden.” 

--St. Thérèse de Lisieux

This week is Maternal Mental Health week, a week dedicated to bringing awareness to the ever-present issue of a mother’s wellbeing. It seems strange to have a week dedicated to an issue that feels so pervasive in my own life and the life of many women. Before COVID, 21 % of those who gave birth will have a mood disorder during the perinatal period and that number jumps to over 30% for women of color (statistics from mindbodybabync.org). I’m sure those numbers are climbing since the pandemic (see this article for more on that click here)

Through my involvement with MindbodybabyNC I was given the opportunity to speak to Monica Mannay from Spectrum1 Charlotte about my own experience with dealing with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. In my true enneagram one state, I prepared some of the things I wanted to say on camera the night before, and for the sake of awareness for Maternal Mental Health, I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you. 

Ready for our closeup

Motherhood is not an individual sport. While we all have our own unique ways of raising our children, it’s not supposed to done in isolation. It is often difficult for me to admit my struggle as a mother because it feels like failure, but I found when I am honest with how I am feeling about motherhood, I would hear a “me too” or “I thought I was the only one” and feel less alone and stronger as a mother. Brené Brown’s famous quote hits it home: “Empathy’s the antidote to shame. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”

A lot of motherhood for me was a constant game of comparison, where I would always come up lacking. I am my worst critic. I never felt good enough to be Amelia’s mother, because I didn’t enjoy every moment, sometimes I’d be quick to anger, or I’d be happy to drop her off/reluctant to pick her up at daycare some days. I’d sit in this cycle of self-pity at all my failures as a mother. But really, the truth is, who of us enjoys their job 365 days out of the year? Vacation days are given for a reason, so why is there that expectation of constant enjoyment in motherhood? It’s okay not to enjoy every moment. Parenting is HARD and shitty diapers stink, there is no enjoying that.

Parenting is also an amazing journey of personal growth, if we allow it to be. Taking time for self-care has become an important part in my mental health journey. Self-care not only makes me a better and more functional human, but it allows me to take care of Amelia in a more present way. I’m not talking about a glass of wine and a hot bath when I say self-care (those are nice though). I’m talking about doing hard internal work. Going to counseling, addressing my depression, seeking community grief groups, and breaking bad habits. Self-care also means silencing my inner critic by reaching out, rooting for, and cheering other mothers as we are all in this race together.

A lot of people told me when I had Amelia, “don’t wish it away.” I have to be honest, Amelia will be two in June and I have never regretted saying, “Man, I can’t wait to be at this stage or that” because not every stage is easy and enjoyable. If you were to ask me which stage of development was the hardest and the most fun I would say “this one” and I would say that every.single.day. Oftentimes, after each of our pregnancy losses this year, I would look at Amelia with such awe and wonder, tears would fill my eyes, and I would be overwhelmed with love. Then, I’ll give her the apple she asked for and she’ll lose her mind because it was cut incorrectly. It’s okay to let the day have its challenges and admit them out loud.

So long privacy.

Finally, my good friend gave me this word when I would text her sobbing that I didn’t know how I would survive, “I promise it gets better. It’s still hard, but it’s a different kind of challenge, but it does get better.” I’ve held on to that every day, because it does get better. Especially if we tune in, reach out, and come together. I’ve learned from my own experience that these so called “baby blues” don’t just go away. This year, my mental health was tested…and tested and tested. I fell into a depression I hadn’t felt in years. It was scary to feel that helpless and hopeless. I am thankful that I know the resources to get help and have access to get care. 

However, the disparity of mental healthcare is a huge issue for me. Everyone deserves to have access to care, especially those who are already in the vulnerable state of early motherhood.  MindBodyBaby is hosting a fundraiser from May 3-8th to help relieve the financial burden of those in need of care with the Community Care Fund, and I encourage you to give this week. https://www.mindbodybabync.org/