Let's Take a Walk

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I walked 144.81 miles during the “official” quarantine. I walked so many miles that I wore a hole in my shoes, which made me simultaneously proud and concerned about my gait.


Walking everyday changed my life.

Right before the official lock-downs started in March, I felt like I was finally getting in my stride in Charlotte: I was meeting new people, getting active in stuff with Amelia, and feeling passionate about fitness again. I was “putting myself out there.”

I finally felt like I wasn’t floundering as a mother and felt more confident in this calling to stay at home full-time.

Then, the isolation began. For some, I know this time was a welcome reprieve in their life, and I held strong for a couple of weeks. I mean, in reality nothing was that different, how bad could it be?

Then.

Amelia started teething,
Sean’s work schedule was insane,
and my cousin Mary died.


Image may contain: Mary Martin Heath and Sarah Martin Butterbaugh, people standing, wedding, flower, outdoor and natureI already felt like I was drowning and when Mary died, it completely gutted me. We couldn’t attend a funeral and have those deep tearful hugs and those even deeper drunken belly laughs about the good times. There wasn’t (and hasn’t been) a sense of closure. I could no longer ignore how deeply I was drowning in a state of depression that I hadn’t felt for a while.

I had to get out, I had to be active, so I started walking. Sometimes twice a day. Sometimes by myself. Sometimes “with” friends virtually. Sometimes with the blessed Mother Mary and the rosary.





My steps felt angry, heavy, burdened.

I felt angry, heavy, and burdened.

But then, with every step I felt lighter.

Jesus met me on those walks, and every day the burdens released a little more. I allowed myself to grieve this incredibly difficult season. God was working in my life in a slow and quiet way. Experiencing God quietly is new for me and I’ve been taking this cue from Mother Mary on how to quiet my soul in front of God (oddly enough, many of the Mary’s in my life have been or are quiet spirits). In what felt like a loud season of anxiety, God met me with stillness and quiet on my walks. This is what God does in our lives. He meets us where we are and how we need Him.

“We ought to let everything grow in us, as Christ grew in Mary. And we ought to realize that in everything that does grow quietly in us, Christ grows. We should let thoughts and words and songs grow slowly and unfold in darkness in us.” (Reed of God, page 61)

In the quiet moments with God, He began to heal my heart in my quest for perfection. I have been striving for perfection since the day Amelia was born. To be the perfect mother, while being the perfect wife, while being the perfect friend, while being the perfect daughter, while be the perfect _____…and thankfully I have failed every single day at this quest for perfection. For this type of perfection is not the perfection that makes me more like Christ, this is unholy perfection. Anyone else like this? Continuing to strive for a goal that is unobtainable, when maybe, just maybe, we are already more than adequate? I got so wrapped up in doing right that I couldn’t seem to get out of the hole that I was digging. Leaning on God’s quiet spirit, singing over me, helped me find the confidence in myself again that I hadn’t felt in almost a year.

I hope you find trust in the knowledge that God meets you where you are: imperfect, blemished, tired, frustrated, cranky...He meets you there and finds you worthy of His love. 

Here’s to many more miles!

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